When Sex Becomes a Chore….

This week our panel of Titus 2 women have answered the following… 

• What should you do when your husband prioritizes work over family?

• What do you do when you’re no longer physically attracted to your husband and sex becomes a chore?

• How do you find a community to study the Bible with?

Bethany:

What should you do when your husband prioritizes work over family?

…. A man’s first responsibility is to his wife and children. As the head of the home he has a God-given duty in leadership over, providing for, and cherishing his family. 

— 1 Corinthians 11:3, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.“

— 1 Timothy 5:8, “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.“

— 1 Corinthians 7:33, “But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.“

— Ephesians 5:28-33, “ Ephesians 5:28-33

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.“

…. If your husband seems to be putting work at a higher priority than the family God has entrusted him with, it can be difficult to know how exactly to react, because the Biblical order of things has been upset and there is probably confusion, strife, and disunity occurring in the home. However, your role as the wife (and mother if there are children) has not changed. Focus on YOUR priorities; do what you can to make yourself a better person, a more surrendered follower of Christ. Be the wife your husband needs - be his number one fan, his prayer warrior, his teammate. Build your marriage. Spend time with God - he is the only one who can fulfill you and mold you into what you ought to be.

Ask yourself, are you a wife and a woman that your man would want to come back to after work? Are you nurturing a home that can be his haven from everything the world throws at him?

— Proverbs 14:1, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

— Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

— 1 Corinthians 7:34, “There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”

— Titus 2:3-5, “The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

…. Remember that men are wired to be protectors and providers. Your husband may be wanting to do all he can to be that for you and your kids. Maybe he is misplacing his priorities out of a desire to meet the physical needs of his family - food, shelter, etc. Or maybe his drive to be the best he can be at his job is getting in the way of him recognizing and engaging in other, more important aspects of his life. Perhaps he is not being fulfilled at home like he needs to be… have a gentle, ‘I want to learn’ talk with him about his expectations and how he’d like you to be there for him. Don’t be shy about sharing with him your needs as well. You cannot expect him to read between the lines or pick up on cues you might be giving him - be upfront and honest in a respectful, submissive way. Put yourselves in his shoes and consider the weight of the responsibilities that he carries - work, family, health, mental load, friends, and so on. Check on if you’re treating him in a manner that could make him feel belittled, undermined or unappreciated. Guys need support and encouragement just like us girls do! Be his cheerleader and admire him, be grateful for what he does for your family. Work on yourself and your relationship with your husband while you pray for God to work on his heart.

How do you find a community to study the Bible with?

…. There are many avenues of studying the Bible with others:

— Your church may offer an organized Bible study, either a men’s and a women’s, or mixed. If they don’t, see about starting one! 

— If you have friends or acquaintances that have expressed a desire to study the Bible, get together with them one evening a week, every other week or once a month. You could even do this by video if it works better to stay home. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy - whatever you can swing is just fine. Having things set up in an orderly fashion is a good idea. Snacks or no snacks; rotating homes/other meeting places or the same spot each time; varying times or always the same day and time; who will lead out; what theme, topic, or passage is being studied, etc. 

— If meeting in-person is not a good fit for you, try setting up a group chat or text line with some friends where you can discuss what you’re reading in the Word. You could agree on a specific study to work through (either self-guided or with a study guide or book), or it could be just a general “hey, this verse really stood out to me today” type of thing. 

— If you prefer one-on-one, pray about asking a Godly woman in your life if she would be willing to do Bible studies with you, or even mentor you. 

— Whatever you end up doing, ensure that you follow Biblical principles, and you’ll need to make some decisions. A Bible study is not edifying if everyone has a different version they’re using, so which one will the study be based on? Have guidelines in place to ensure that the discussion does not veer into gossip or non-related topics - you’ll want to stay focused in order to dig deep into the Bible. However, if the discussion remains enlightening/educative even if it is not on-subject, sometimes those can be the best moments of connection and learning so be open to that possibility. Consider how you will handle a situation that may come up where someone in the study group has a non-Biblical view on a certain thing. Establish that the Bible is the final word on all matters, period. Determine who will be the lead in directing the conversation. But especially, understand that you and everyone you study the Bible with are sinners. You’ll have differing (perhaps clashing) beliefs, varying experiences and perspectives, individual pasts and lifestyles, and so on. Extend grace to each other and enjoy the journey into more spiritual knowledge. 

…. It’s important to remember that Scripture is our light, our guide, our correction, our wisdom. It is powerful, and God blesses those who search his Word (see Psalm 119 and Proverbs 2). You will find a reward and your life will be so enriched. Keep reading his words and applying them!

— Psalm 119:105, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”

— Hebrews 4:12, “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.”

— Isaiah 55:10, 11, “For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.”

— 2 Timothy 3:14-17, “But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them; And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.”

Sarah:

What do you do when you’re no longer physically attracted to your husband and sex becomes a chore?

First, know that you are not the only woman in the world who has ever wrestled with this dilemma and there can be many factors that affect your thoughts and emotions about it. Some of those factors we can control but others we cannot control. Second, there are a myriad of answers that could be derived from a variety of sources. As Christian women, however, our first source for direction should come from scripture, either by clear direct instructions or by following principles of truth. 

I Corinthians 7:2-5 tells us that our body belongs to our husband and his body belongs to his wife. “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise, also the wife unto the husband.” This is not a license for lewdness or abuse but rather the way for sexual intimacy and oneness within the marriage relationship to flourish in the spirit of genuine love. Genuine love seeks to give without expecting anything in return. I Corinthians 13 details the characteristics of genuine love. Love suffers long and is kind, is not envious or proud, is not rude, selfish or easily provoked, it thinks no evil but bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never fails. 

Marriage has seasons when romance is more vibrant than others. Remember you’re in it for the long haul. Marriage is a marathon with the man God blessed you with as you traverse this life. One day, one of you will graduate into Heaven where there is no marriage and no need for sexual intimacy. Marriage is a gift that is only for this mortal life. If you are in a season where marriage intimacy is a struggle, ask God for all the grace you need to be a channel of love to your husband. 2 Corinthians 12:9 promises us that his grace is sufficient for us, for his strength is made perfect in our weakness. If you are tired, ask the Lord for wisdom on how to wisely order your daily schedule that will allow for less stress and a time to rest. Philippians 4:13 promises that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. I would encourage you to bring this lack of desire to the Lord in prayer. We can come boldly to the throne of grace and find help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). 

Lastly, a wise preacher once said something I’ve never forgotten, “Feeling follow action.” The only person we can control is ourselves. Reject the temptation to get bogged down in criticism towards your man or get offended at him for not meeting your expectations about something. Avoid the deadly trap of comparison. These are just examples of how thinking negatively about our husbands can affect our feelings towards him. Consider the thoughts and behaviors that once fueled feelings of endearment towards your man and seek to replicate those as needed. Men are wired differently than women and in general, they need the physical act of sex more than women. However, their souls are quite delicate. They need to know that their woman truly wants to be one with them and that their woman is happily engaging in holy sex.